Jokes!

Requested Thread for jokes!

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Jokes!

PostPosted by verdilak » Sat Sep 20, 2008 11:27 pm

A man goes into a Psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but underwear made of saran wrap.
The Psychiatrist looks at him and says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."




A depressed man decides he needs to go see a psychiatrist. So he drives to the shrink's office, lies down on the couch, and proceeds to tell the doctor his entire life story.

"I know exactly what your problem is," the psychiatrist says. "It's a simple matter of low self-esteem."

"Oh," says the man, dejected.

"Don't worry," says the doctor. "It's very common among losers like you."




A doctor says to his patient, "I have some good news and some bad news."

"I guess I would rather hear the good news first," says the man.

"The good news is that your penis is going to be 2 inches longer and an inch wider," says the doctor.

"Thats great!" says the man, "What the hell is the bad news?"

"It's malignant."




anyone got any more?
ImageImage
"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by verdilak » Mon Nov 10, 2008 3:32 pm

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke out of jail after 15 years and was on the run from the cops. He broke into a suburbia house, made his way into the bedroom and found a young married couple. The fugitive tied the young man to a chair on one side of he room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched the fugitive get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck.

His wife started to move her head violently at which the man got up and left the room. The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed “Darling, I saw him kissing you. He can’t have seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don’t fight him or make him mad. Be strong honey, our lives may depend on it!”

“Darling”, the wife said spitting out her gag, “I’m so relieved you feel that way. He wasn’t kissing me … he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you’re really cute and asked if we had any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey, our lives may depend on it!”
ImageImage
"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by verdilak » Mon Nov 10, 2008 3:33 pm

Why I Fired My Secretary

This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m gonna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked.
ImageImage
"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by verdilak » Mon Nov 10, 2008 3:35 pm

Mate Match

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks did hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called “Mate Match“.

The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers “yes”, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with phone number for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you’ve heard yet. Anyway, here’s how it all went down:

DJ: “Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of ‘Mate Match’?”

Contestant: (laughing) “Yes, I have.”

DJ: “Great! Then you know we’re giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.”

Contestant: “Brian.”

DJ: “Brian, are you married or what?”

Brian: (laughing nervously) “Yes, I am married.”

DJ: “Thank you. Now, what is your wife’s name? First only please.”

Brian: “Sara.”

DJ: “Is Sara at work, Brian?”

Brian: “She is gonna kill me.”

DJ: “Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?”

Brian: (laughing) “Yes, she’s at work.”

DJ: “Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?”

Brian: “About 8 o’clock this morning.”

DJ: “Atta boy, Brian.”

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) “Well…”

DJ: “Question #2 - How long did it last?”

Brian: “About 10 minutes.”

DJ: “Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn’t at stake.”

Brian: “Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.”

DJ: “Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o’clock
this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) “I, ummm, I, well…”

DJ: “This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?”

Brian: “Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks…”

DJ: “Uh huh…”

Brian: “…and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.”

DJ: “Atta boy, Brian.”

Brian: “On the kitchen table.”

DJ: “Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I’ve done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife’s work number and call her up. You listen to this.”

[3 minutes of commercials follow.]

DJ: “Okay audience; let’s call Sarah, shall we?” (Touch tones…..ringing….)

Clerk: “Kinkos.”

DJ: “Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?”

Clerk: “This is she.”

DJ: “Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I’ve been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.”

Sarah: (laughing) “A couple of hours?”

DJ: “Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you’ll lose. Sooooooo… do you know the rules of ‘Mate Match’?”

Sarah: “No.”

DJ: “Good!”

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) “Brian, what the hell are you up to?”

Brian: (laughing) “Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.”

DJ: “Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian’s answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.”

Sarah: (laughing) “Yes.”

DJ: “Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?”

Sarah: “Oh God, Brian….uh, this morning before Brian went to work.”

DJ: “What time?”

Sarah: “Around 8 this morning.”

DJ: “Very good. Next question. How long did it last?”

Sarah: “12, 15 minutes maybe.”

DJ: “Hmmmm. That’s close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We’ve got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?”

Sarah: (laughing) “Yes.”

DJ: “Where did you have it?”

Sarah: “OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn’t tell them that did you?”

Brian: “Just tell him, honey.”

DJ: “What is bothering you so much, Sarah?”

Sarah: “Well…”

DJ: Come on Sarah…..where did you have it?

Sarah: “Up the a$$…”

After a long pause, the DJ said, “Folks, we need to take a station break”

And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!
ImageImage
"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by hippie_mama » Mon Nov 10, 2008 5:52 pm

LMAO at the last three! :s_rofl
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by verdilak » Mon Nov 10, 2008 5:55 pm

A young hotshot lawyer went out and bought the fastest car in the world, the new SSC Ultimate Aero, for a cool $750,000. It was a nice day outside, so he took the car for it’s first drive on the street.

As he stops at a red light, an old man on a mobility scooter rides off of the sidewalk and pulls up next to him. The man on the scooter, who had to be at least 70 years old, leaned over at the driver’s side window and asked “Nice car there Sonny, what is it?”

“Why, this is the Ultimate Aero, the fastest car in the world. It has 1183 horsepower and can go 257 miles per hour!” exclaimed the cocky attorney. “And” he continued, “it cost 3/4 of a million dollars!”

“Wow,” replied the old man, “mind if I take a look inside?” he asked. “Of course not,” the lawyer said proudly.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back down on his mobility scooter, says, “That’s a pretty fancy sportscar, all right… but I’ll stick with my scooter!”

Just then, the light changes and the lawyer decides to show the old man with his car is all about. The car goes from 0-60mph in just 2.7 seconds and, before he realizes it he’s doing 220mph. Looking back, he notices a small dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

“What in the world could be possibly be going faster than my Aero?” the young lawyer asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot again… this time coming toward him. Whooooooossh! It flies by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! “Couldn’t be,” thinks the lawyer. “How could a moped outrun an Ultimate Aero?”

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror, but before he could react… Whooosh Ka-BbblaaaaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, completely demolishing the rear end. The young lawyer jumps out and, to his surprise, it’s the old man on the mobility scooter!

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my God! Are you ok? Is there anything I can do for you?” The old man groans and moans, finally he replies… “Yes, unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!”
ImageImage
"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by verdilak » Mon Nov 10, 2008 9:15 pm

A young sailor was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he looks over and sees a pirate. The pirate has a wooden peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and patch over his eye. Unable to resist, the sailor asks “How’d you end up with a peg-leg?”

“I was swept overboard during a fierce storm,” says the pirate. “and a bloody shark bit off me whole darn leg!”

“Holy cow!” said the sailor. “What about the hook, how’d you get that?”

“Me crew and I were boarding an enemy ship, a fierce sword battle ensued. One of them cut me darn arm!”

“Absolutely incredible!” gasped the sailor. “And the eye patch, tell me how you got that?”

“A bloody seagull dropping fell into me eye,” replied the pirate.

“Umm, you lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” asked the sailor, admonished.

Embarassed, the pirate answered “It was me first day with the hook.”
ImageImage
"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by verdilak » Mon Nov 10, 2008 9:19 pm

James, as usual, came home really late one Saturday night after being at the bar all night drinking. Not only was he drunk, he was sloppy drunk. He carefully crept into bed next his wife, who fell sleep angry hours earlier, and gave her a goodnight kiss on the check in hopes that she wouldn’t wake up.

He awoke in the middle of the night to a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you,” demanded James, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?” The mysterious man answered “This is not your bedroom, and my name is St. Peter”.

James didn’t take the news so well… “You mean I’m dead! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t even said goodbye to my family… you’ve got to send me back right away!”

St. Peter replied “You cannot go back as you were, you have passed away James. However, you can be reincarnated - but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” James was devastated, but knowing that there was a farm just down the road from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking at corn on the ground. “This ain’t so bad,” he thought until he felt a strange feeling churning inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, huh? How are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies James, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”. “You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “haven’t you ever laid an egg before?”

“Never” replies James.

“Well just relax and let it happen.”

And so he did, and just a few uncomfortable seconds later an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him - emotions got the better of him as he experienced the joy motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him… ever!

The joy of motherhood continued to build and, just as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shout “James, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting the bed!”
ImageImage
"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by verdilak » Mon Nov 10, 2008 9:22 pm

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hey, Dave, how ya doin?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, “You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser”. “No, honey, she’s in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. “Hi Davey,” she says, “Want your usual table dance?” Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”
ImageImage
"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by verdilak » Mon Nov 10, 2008 9:25 pm

Rich was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, “I don’t have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.”

His buddy said, “I have an idea - why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she’ll probably be thrilled.”

So the that’s what Rich did.

The next day at the bar his buddy said, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?”

“Yes, I did,” said Joe.

“Did she like it?” His buddy asked.

“Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling “I’ll be back in an hour!”
ImageImage
"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by verdilak » Mon Nov 10, 2008 9:28 pm

Kramer goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown”.

Kramer just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, “Are you Ok?”

In a very weak voice Kramer says, “Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?” The big dude says, “When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I’d give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. “I’m 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown.”

Kramer said, “Oh Thank God! I thought you said ‘Turn Around’”
ImageImage
"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by verdilak » Mon Nov 10, 2008 9:29 pm

A rural family was given some venison from a friend. The wife carefully prepared deer steaks and served it to her husband and their children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what they were eating for dinner.

“Is is beef?” The daughter Julie asked.
“Nope.”

“Is it pork?” the son Will asked.
“Nope.”

“Heck, we don’t know, Dad!” Will exclaimed.

“I’ll give you a clue,” the Husband said, “It’s what your mom sometimes calls me.”

“Spit it out, Will!” cried Julie, “We’re eating Asshole!”
ImageImage
"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by verdilak » Mon Nov 10, 2008 9:30 pm

There is a factory in Eastern Wisconsinwhich that the Tickle Me Elmo toys. In case you didn’t know, the toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. “I’m sorry,” he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…”

“Your job was to give Elmo two test tickles.”
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"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by verdilak » Mon Nov 10, 2008 9:33 pm

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a local gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately asked her to undress, after which the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?” “Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.” “That is right,” said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked. “Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.” “Correct,” replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?” “Yes,” she said. “You’re getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place.”
ImageImage
"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by verdilak » Mon Nov 10, 2008 9:34 pm

A woman is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, “What horrible luck! What in the world should I do now?”

A gentleman next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, “I don’t know… Why don’t you play your age?”

He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!

Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”

The operator replies, “I don’t know, buddy…. She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!”
ImageImage
"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by verdilak » Mon Nov 10, 2008 9:35 pm

The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’ I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ‘MIDNIGHT’… he didn’t seem p***d off in the least………. Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.’ When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times then said ‘oh sh*t.’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
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"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by verdilak » Mon Nov 10, 2008 9:40 pm

A few overworked deputy sheriffs deserved a vacation, together they decided to go on a mountain retreat. Since police officers are so underpaid, they decided to sleep two per room so they could afford the trip.

Now, nobody wanted to sleep in the same room with Daryl - he’s got a well known reputation for snoring and since it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time - so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy to bunk with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot, looking like he didnt get any sleep. They said, “Man, what happened to you?” He said, “Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night, couldn’t get any sleep.”

The following night it was a different deputy’s turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all messed up, eyes blood-shot, etc. They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, “Man, that Daryl! Shakes the roof he’s so loud. I watched him all night.”

The third night was Frank’s turn. Now Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man’s man. Said he wasn’t gonna put up with any snoring… “We’ll see!” said the other deputies. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning, wonderful day outside isn’t it?” he said.

They couldn’t believe it! They said, “Man, what happened?” He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Daryl into bed, then kissed him good night. He sat up all night just watching me. Didn’t snore a bit, hehe.”
ImageImage
"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by verdilak » Mon Nov 10, 2008 9:58 pm

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, “Put that away Johnny! You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.”

Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.” Trying to placate him, she says, “OK, I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?” He says, “I wanna play Mommie and Daddy.”

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, “Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?” Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and put on some pretty clothes.” Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs.

Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father’s old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother looks up and says, “What do I do now?” In a gruff manner, Johnny says, “Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!”
ImageImage
"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by verdilak » Mon Nov 10, 2008 10:06 pm

Seems that, after all these years, the romance and love just wasn’t what it used to be for John and Jane. In an attempt to salvage their thirty years of marriage, Jane convinces her husband to see a marriage councilor with her.

The counselor asks first asks Jane what she feels the problem is, and before he can even finish his sentence she goes into a tirade listing every single problem the couple has ever had - even before things went south. She goes on and on for nearly an hour, and finishes in tears.

Finally, the counselor gets up from his couch, walks over to Jane, embraces her and begins to kiss her passionately. The woman quiets down, immediately, and sits there in a daze.

The counselor then turns to the John and says, “Your wife needs this at least three times a week. For the sake of your marriage, can you can do this?” The husband ponders this question for a moment, and confidentally replies, “I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays… but on Fridays, I play golf.”
ImageImage
"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by Aluman » Mon Nov 10, 2008 10:28 pm

:s_rofl :s_rofl :s_rofl :s_rofl :s_rofl :s_rofl :s_rofl :s_rofl :s_rofl :s_rofl
Shazbot Says "If you can't learn how to swallow under duress, you'll never make it in show business."
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by verdilak » Mon Feb 09, 2009 11:54 am

Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into beer!” The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going idiot! Now we’re going to have to piss in the boat!”
ImageImage
"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by verdilak » Mon Feb 09, 2009 11:55 am

A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. She tells the man,
“Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you.”


The drunk replies, “Tits.”
ImageImage
"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by verdilak » Mon Feb 09, 2009 11:55 am

Two men were talking.

“So, how’s your sex life?”

“Oh, nothing special. I’m having Social Security sex.”

“Social Security sex?”

“Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!”
ImageImage
"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by verdilak » Mon Feb 09, 2009 11:56 am

So, Cowboy Bob is roaring across the plains on his trusty steed with 200 raging Indians, er Peaceful Native Americans, hot on his trail ready to scalp him. He whips out his rifle, fires his last two shots over his shoulder and takes out 15 of them. Then he pulls out his revolver, fires his last bullet and takes out 10 of them. Desperate, he flings the rifle and drops 20 of the Indians. Finally, in a last act of defiance, he throws his revolver and drops 12 more of them before the horde overtakes him.

Beaten and bound, he is presented to the chief, who tells him “Bob, you are the most incredible warrior we’ve ever seen, so we’re going to give you one last wish and let you live tonight, but tomorrow we’re going to kill you.”

Bob thinks, then says, “I’d like to speak to my horse.” He walks over, lifts the horse’s ear and whispers something. The horse sprints off, only to return an hour later with a hot blonde on it’s back.

Bob and blonde retire to Bob’s teepee, where they have loud sex all night long.

In the morning, the chief says, “Bob, not only are you the best warrior, you’re the best animal trainer we’ve ever seen, so we’re going to give you another wish, and one more night of life before we kill you in the morning.”

Bob walks to his horse, lifts its ear and whispers something. Again, the horse takes off only to return an hour later with a stunning brunette on its back.

Bob, the blonde and the brunette retire to Bob’s tee pee and, again, spend the night having loud, passionate sex.

In the morning, the chief, now being eyed by his wife, says to Bob, “Bob, not only are you the best warrior and animal trainer we’ve ever met, you’re the best lover we’ve ever heard of, so one more wish and one more night.”

Bob ambles over to his horse, lifts its ear and yells, “I SAID POSSE!”
ImageImage
"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by verdilak » Mon Feb 09, 2009 12:10 pm

Once there was 5 year old girl who lived with her family next to an empty lot. One day, a construction crew moved onto the empty lot and started building a new house. The little girl was fascinated by the commotion, and watched the work closely. Soon, she was wandering over to observe and talk with the construction workers.
The construction workers, who were “gems in the rough” kind of guys, took a shine to the charming and cute little girl and adopted her as a mascot. They got her tiny workboots and hardhat, and found small jobs for her to do so that she could be one of the crew. She even ate her lunch with them and had her snacks while they had their coffee breaks.
Her best moment was when they gave the little girl her very own paycheque. They told her that since she had worked with them, she deserved her own paycheque. She was thrilled that she had earned twenty dollars of her very own.
Her proud mother took the girl down to the bank so that she could open her own bank account using her twenty dollars.
“Your very own paycheque!” the teller said to the little girl, “How wonderful! How did you get this?”
The little girl breathlessly told the teller how she had earned it helping to build the house next door. The teller was charmed by the delightful girl’s tale.
“How charming!” the teller exclaimed, “and will you be helping to build the house next week too?”
“I will if those shitheads at Home Depot get off their asses and finally deliver the fucking drywall!”
ImageImage
"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by verdilak » Mon Feb 09, 2009 12:28 pm

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

“Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

“Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

“Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
ImageImage
"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by NulSyn » Mon Feb 09, 2009 12:34 pm

verdilak wrote:So, Cowboy Bob is roaring across the plains on his trusty steed with 200 raging Indians, er Peaceful Native Americans, hot on his trail ready to scalp him. He whips out his rifle, fires his last two shots over his shoulder and takes out 15 of them. Then he pulls out his revolver, fires his last bullet and takes out 10 of them. Desperate, he flings the rifle and drops 20 of the Indians. Finally, in a last act of defiance, he throws his revolver and drops 12 more of them before the horde overtakes him.

Beaten and bound, he is presented to the chief, who tells him “Bob, you are the most incredible warrior we’ve ever seen, so we’re going to give you one last wish and let you live tonight, but tomorrow we’re going to kill you.”

Bob thinks, then says, “I’d like to speak to my horse.” He walks over, lifts the horse’s ear and whispers something. The horse sprints off, only to return an hour later with a hot blonde on it’s back.

Bob and blonde retire to Bob’s teepee, where they have loud sex all night long.

In the morning, the chief says, “Bob, not only are you the best warrior, you’re the best animal trainer we’ve ever seen, so we’re going to give you another wish, and one more night of life before we kill you in the morning.”

Bob walks to his horse, lifts its ear and whispers something. Again, the horse takes off only to return an hour later with a stunning brunette on its back.

Bob, the blonde and the brunette retire to Bob’s tee pee and, again, spend the night having loud, passionate sex.

In the morning, the chief, now being eyed by his wife, says to Bob, “Bob, not only are you the best warrior and animal trainer we’ve ever met, you’re the best lover we’ve ever heard of, so one more wish and one more night.”

Bob ambles over to his horse, lifts its ear and yells, “I SAID POSSE!”

:s_rofl :s_rofl :s_crazy :s_rofl
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by Svartalf » Mon Feb 09, 2009 12:35 pm

Love the one about the girl and the construction workers :s_rofl :s_rofl
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by verdilak » Mon Feb 09, 2009 1:34 pm

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, “I’ll take one.” The man packaged the frog and said, “Just follow the instructions carefully.”

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, “If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.” So, the girl calls the pet store.

The man says, “I had some complaints earlier today. I’ll be right over.” Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there.”

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: “Listen to me! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!”
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"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by verdilak » Mon Feb 09, 2009 1:37 pm

A penguin is driving his car across the country for his summer vacation. Suddenly, his car starts to make horrible noises. The penguin drives his ailing car into a roadside mechanic’s shop.
The mechanic tells the penguin that it will be about an hour until he can diagnose the problem. The penguin decides to kill the time by wandering over to a nearby mall.
He casually waddles through the mall, doing some window shopping. Then, he buys himself a vanilla ice cream cone to eat, since it’s such a hot day.
The Penguin starts to walk back to the shop, and while he eats his ice cream it drips all over his face and front.
As he enters the shop, the mechanic looks up from under the car’s hood and says to the Penguin, “It looks like you blew a seal.”
Embarrassed, the Penguin quickly says, “No, I swear! It’s just ice cream!”
ImageImage
"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by verdilak » Mon Feb 09, 2009 1:39 pm

Q: What’s red but smells like blue paint?
A: red paint
ImageImage
"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by verdilak » Mon Feb 09, 2009 1:42 pm

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, you might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That’s terrible! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?

Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.
ImageImage
"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by verdilak » Mon Feb 09, 2009 1:42 pm

5 Reasons Why It Stinks Being an Egg:

1) You only get laid once.

2) You only get eaten once.

3) It takes you seven minutes to get hard.

4) You have to come in a box with 11 other guys.

5) The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.
ImageImage
"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by verdilak » Mon Feb 09, 2009 1:46 pm

A businessman walked into a New York bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for the loan. The businessman then handed over the keys to a Rolls-Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank.

Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove it into the bank’s underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the 5,000 dollars and the interest, which came to $15.00.

The loan officer said, “We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?”

The business man replied: “Where else in New York City could I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?”
ImageImage
"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by Aluman » Mon Feb 09, 2009 7:45 pm

LOL
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Re: Jokes!

PostPosted by verdilak » Mon May 18, 2009 9:28 am

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken rolls over, and lights up a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
ImageImage
"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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