A pint and a shot

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A pint and a shot

PostPosted by Rayven » Wed May 06, 2009 3:02 pm

Since we have no place for jokes, I'm putting this here.
======================================================

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said, "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in."
STARE INTO MY EYES FOREVER
LET ME TAKE YOU IN MY ARMS
DANCE WITH ME OUT IN THE GARDEN
WHERE TOMORROW NEVER COMES
FOLLOW ME INTO THE DARKNESS
WHERE THE NIGHTMARES NEVER FADE
WHISPER DREAMS MY FALLEN ANGEL
FROM WHICH YOU WILL NEVER WAKE
Religion starts wars. Spirituality ends them

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Re: A pint and a shot

PostPosted by Svartalf » Wed May 06, 2009 4:23 pm

urk... I'm pretty sure Murphy felt a lot gayer after that revelation, despite the loss of inebriation and probable ire.
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Re: A pint and a shot

PostPosted by verdilak » Wed May 06, 2009 5:45 pm

heh, i've heard it with "I ate the sausage 4 bars back." closer
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"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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Re: A pint and a shot

PostPosted by verdilak » Wed May 06, 2009 9:00 pm

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning ~til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.
Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, ‘Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.’
’And what about the men?’ the minister asked.
’They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.’
ImageImage
"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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Re: A pint and a shot

PostPosted by verdilak » Wed May 06, 2009 9:30 pm

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has ever gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of them all...
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
ImageImage
"I'm imagining Kiera Knightly, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina and Meg Fox sitting around your map wearing bandanas vigorously shaking fists full of d20s." - Aval Penworth, in regards to a map I made
"We're talking about the GM that made us fight giant Fruit, Verd is totally unpredictable." - Nikurasu (one of my players)
Everyone is an atheist about some gods, we just went one god further. - Richard Dawkins
Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."--Ferris Bueller, 1986
To the human body, a spoonful of flour and a spoonful of sugar are identical.
"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It is where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
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